Mental Fungus
By Lawrence Smith
There are several types of toxic mold associated with desire, it comes on the hinges of lust and sex. It’s spores dig deep into the so called consciousness of man’s fear. My views on this microorganism of poison finds housing within my affection creating my mental state to become spoiled by the atmosphere of confusion, distrust, doubt, a long with other elements that inhibits the making of misinterpretation of the mold misrepresentation, smell strong, falsehood overcast, the true meaning of emotional exchange. My heart has often times clashed time and time again with like minded people who are sexually greedy, mentally selfish and self serving making them emotionally pathetic while calling their actions love. Most fungus grows in damp shady areas but the microcosm of mold within men grows within the heart of those who lack desire, passion, openness and acceptance of others who’s lifestyle is different from theirs.
The fairytale to love is misleading to me and a few others in the gay community. We are led to believe when we find love, flowers bloom, birds sing and the sun shines bright with a halo of a rainbow looming over it. Not! I don’t be drudge love so please allow me to say that my problem comes from these small minded black men who can’t seem to find their footing in the area of honesty, especially when it comes to exploring the gay lifestyle. I believe everyone has the right to be who they are and what they are, however time and time again I’ve come in contact with men who struggle with their identity and raw sexual nature, but I’m viewed as promoting gayness, and I’m the overly sex GAY man when in all actuality the men who hide from their bi-curiousness or inner homosexual want to view their actions as experimental, allowing the spores to produce mold and spread without suspect. In prison there are men who compartmentalize by compensating with mingled words and complex feelings. I continue to misjudge characters and confuse realness only to be misused over and over again, especially from black men, as well as those who are in prison.
Now don’t get me wrong, weight, age and perhaps looks may play a role in the decision making the process for those who are discovering new sexual replacement. Or could it be that my own expectations have caused me to be ultra sensitive and judgmental? Sexual exploring is about learning what turns you on, what fetishes entice you? It’s opening one’s mind to a vast world, but if you’re afraid of the dark for which mold lurks, then your chances of really discovering truth within the light will pass you on by.
Sexual acceptance is a cultural dysfunction amongst the black community rather (bound or free), but if it’s harder with black men who are often led by the words of the so-called partners, bros, etc. There is a real pungent odor and deep insecurity in the black community along with originality and self-confidence which equals into social injustice that turns into black mold of intolerance. As a gay black man in the Missouri Department of non corrections I am learning that even though the outside world is pushing for diversity and inclusivity however worlds collide in the sense of prison because the toxic spores of segregation grows deep rooted within the cells, halls and walls of prison. It is common practice to keep the gays versus straight fighting going so the growth of the new norm will not continue to grow into inclusive community even behind prison walls and fences. My lifestyle shouldn’t be the cause for your social illness nor should my acceptance of myself be the mold that infects nor affects your exclusive belief and push it as health fungus.